by Lisa Curtis, LCSW
The young man who sat in my office is fairly unusual; articulate, poised and open. “I have been thinking about killing myself. I thought maybe I could crash my car on the way to work but that would be a mess.” With some questioning, he admitted he had been actively thinking about ending his life for over 18 months, watching in jealousy as 6 of his high school peers took their own lives.
Later that afternoon an older woman sat quietly. Just sat. We did that often at the beginning of her journey. She was on the other side of this issue; her husband, a first responder, had killed himself with his service weapon. No note, almost no warning; only a video made in the seconds before asking that she be taken care of.
A Different View
As both a licensed therapist and coach I’m more often than I ever imaged engaged in these conversations. I am going to share some pieces around the topic of suicide that you might not get in an average piece. You see, I’ve literally been on the front lines of this topic for my entire career, and have walked down some paths that I hope you never have to go down. But if you do, I want you to have a bit of a guide so you know you’re not alone.
For each person who ends their own life, there is an average of 6 people who are left in their wake to grieve, mourn and be confused their loss
Lisa Curtis
Let’s Start By Busting Some Myths
When people talk about killing themselves it is critical to listen, respond, and stay engaged; they are not just talking for the heck of it.
Some people use words like “overwhelmed” or “tired” to signal how they feel; using words such as “suicidal” or “profoundly depressed” is the exception.
Those who get to the place where they feel like ending their lives are not ‘crazy’; they are in a place where they can see no alternatives or feel that they are not being heard.
The moment or moments when people are actively seeking to end their lives are often longer in duration than anyone would care for it to be but like many other thoughts we have to go through our minds, it can pass if the correct help is obtained.
Some realities need to be included here for the sake of everyone. Writing about ending their own life is a real red flag, having access to weapons and/or medication is a major risk factor, and having attempted in the past or knowing someone who did puts an individual at extremely high risk.
The person who was previously chaotic but who now seems calm and at peace is at risk. Those for whom support has been erratic or unpredictable are at risk.
People who have practiced or researched methods are at extremely high risk.
For each person who ends their own life, there is an average of 6 people who are left in their wake to grieve, mourn and be confused their loss. Since it is very rare that one can say, “oh, that makes perfect sense why he’d kill himself” the survivors are often left questioning and reliving every exchange, detail and thought they had with and about their loved one. What didn’t get said or done, “if I had just gone out to the garage and ask what she was doing…” Those left behind often question what signs or clues they ‘missed’. In my experience, those who are asking that question often weren’t shown those clues and those who aren’t asking were and didn’t know what to do with them. The guilt for both can be and often is, overwhelming.
The nature of this kind of death is often tremendous in its own way; sudden, unexpected and without logic. The shame of such a death is often traumatic as well. Some religious beliefs have fairly stringent views on whether or not burial ground is available to those whose lives ended by suicide, leaving the family in a state of in-betweeness.
Getting help, no matter what side of this equation you’re on, is of vital importance. There are hotlines, text messaging resources, online and in person support groups, individuals and professionals who can be available.
How to find them? Ask a trusted friend to help you find the right kind of help.
Seek out a professional ~ your dentist, your favorite cop on the beat ~ to help guide you. Take your time and allow yourself to heal; again, on either side of this issue you will need lots and lots of time to heal.
I wish I could tell you there are easy answers and easy solutions to this traumatic, complex and troublesome issue but there simply aren’t.
What I can share with you is that there is help, support, and guidance that fits who you are, not far away but you’ve got to be the one to let others know you need the help.
There is no greater loss than one that could have been prevented.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 988, connects the caller to a certified crisis center near where the call is placed.
Lisa Curtis, LCSW, helps her clients create a life that speaks to them, one that they’re thrilled to be a part of and want to engage in. She believes that in the here and now we have this opportunity to craft a life that speaks to us and our goals; what comes next is a mystery but since this is what’s in front of us, she invites those in her world to seize it.
